Did I say tonight? I meant tomorrow night.

Earlier today I blogged that we planned to have our Christmas celebration tonight. We charged the video camera and while Cooper had his afternoon nap I started to put together a great riding toy that cousins Missy and Nicole and aunt Susie had sent for Cooper (thank you so much!). I opened the box, grabbed the manual and right away I realized it needed to be charged for 18 hours before it can be used so I assembled it, plugged the battery in, assembled another toy and then made dinner. At first we were thinking we'd still go ahead and have Cooper open his gifts tonight. Once he was up from his nap we had dinner. About an hour later he got sick - all over himself and me. I'm not sure if it was something he ate (probably - there was at least one new thing he'd never had before - plus he'd been acting fine/normally leading up to getting sick) or if it's a virus that caused it. Either way, we want him to feel good when we have our family Christmas celebration so we decided to wait until tomorrow. Hopefully he'll be feeling better and at least we know his exciting new toy will be charged and ready for him by then too. I'm so excited to see his reaction to the fun things that await his discovery.

Gifts of all kinds

First, I want to say how wonderfully lucky and blessed I am to have such amazing friends and neighbors who have helped me and Cooper to celebrate Christmas in Bob's absence. Because of Bob's job as an airline pilot, he is almost always is away for the major holidays and he was away from the 24th until last night. We missed him and wished he were here with us but we had the best time possible with friends and neighbors who included us in their celebrations.

We joined several neighbors at our neighbor Susan's house for Christmas eve and it was fantastic. Super great food (you're a great cook, Allen!), amazing company (we love you Cindy, Dan, Greg, Denise, Clare and John and all the kids!), and it was fun seeing all the bigger kids play with Cooper. Thank you, Susan and Allen, for including us - you are wonderful hosts and friends and we love you!

On Christmas day, Cooper and I headed out to join our dear friend Kristy's house where we were welcomed by her awesome family and we had a super time getting to know members of her family that we had not yet met, and watching Cooper and Addison Shea (who is just 3 days younger than Cooper) get cozy. I can't wait to see the pictures Kristy took of Cooper and Addie kissing at the end of the party - it was hilarious! Kristy & family - thank you so much for including us in your family Christmas celebration. You are an amazing friend and I love you so much!

Although we were apart from our own family on these special days - with Bob being away and my family being 3000 miles away in Connecticut - we enjoyed the gift of amazing friendship, love, and generosity from the most beautiful friends a person could hope for. Besides those we saw in person, we received phone calls, emails, instant messages from many many others wishing us a blessed Christmas and checking in to make sure we were ok since Bob was away.

Christmas is over for most people now, but for us it continues now that Bob is finally home. We didn't open any of the gifts that we bought for Cooper or which have been sent to us by others - they are all still unopened under the tree. We are planning to have our family Christmas celebration tonight now that we're back together as a family. It'll be a beautiful and memorable evening here at the Olsen house.

We have received gifts of all kinds this holiday season. Friendship, support, love, generous and thoughtful gifts under the tree awaiting their disclosure. The most important gift of all though - the gift of life - which we cherish the most. Bob is home safely, I am alive and doing well with treatment, Cooper is happy and healthy. I praise God for these miracles that surround us every day. Thank you, God, for these gifts.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! Happy birthday, Jesus Christ!

I'm so blessed, so thankful, for all the countless blessings in my life - including all of you who support me on this journey. Thank you for your kindness, your compassion, your encouragement.

I wish you all a very merry and blessed Christmas. May God bless you and your loved ones, today and always.

Love,
Julie

One week post-chemo, Christmas preparations in full swing

Thankfully, I am feeling a bit better each day. I am still out of breath quite a bit but it seems like each day it's a teensy bit less so. That is a relief because a couple days ago I was rethinking my decision about having a blood transfusion and yesterday I made some calls to find out what it would take to arrange for a private blood donation from a very generous friend who is O- (universal donor blood type). If each day continues to be a bit better then I will wait and have my numbers tested next week to see where I'm at before proceeding with a transfusion. If my red blood cell and hemoglobin counts are still extremely low next week then we will proceed with a transfusion so that I'll feel better and be more ready, stronger, in time for surgery mid-January.

I've been very busy with work, getting ready for Christmas, and looking ahead to the next chapter of treatment (even had my first radiation oncology consultation yesterday - more on that later).

I've baked more (cookies, brownies, banana bread, muffins) these past two weeks than I had probably in all my previous years combined. Doing so is not strenuous, allows me to sit and rest while they bake, and makes me feel productive and festive.

Besides baking, I've finished wrapping the gifts, distributed baked goods to our beloved neighbors and friends, and even hosted a little get together "gold party" this week during which my friends and I made some great spending money by selling our unwanted jewelry to a rep from a local gold refinery - it was a lot of fun. Bob was home and helped do a lot of the legwork so that I wouldn't do more than I could/should handle. Esperanza was super helpful too, helping to clean up and do laundry while Cooper napped. We're so lucky to have her.

Last night I had a few of the neighborhood teenage girls over for dinner (had lots of leftovers from the party) and to decorate the sugar cookies I baked. It was great fun decorating the cookies and watching Cooper have an absolute blast being silly with the girls.

I'm excited to officially be on holiday break as of tonight and am looking forward to the fun Christmas eve, and Christmas day festivities we have planned. Staying busy helps me focus on the positive, staying rested while being so busy is challenging but important so I do my best to be both busy and rested. Sounds funny, doesn't it?

Well, Christmas eve day is upon us now. I hope everyone is ready - or at least accepting of (and not concerned about) not being ready. :) I wish you all the most wonderful, safe, peaceful and love-filled Christmas. Cherish each moment and hold your loved ones close.

God bless you! Merry Christmas!

Love,
Julie

A nice break at just the right time - the holidays

Now that chemo is done, I'm enjoying not having to make my way to the doc's office every morning for a shot in the rump (Neupogen). Don't get me wrong, I love the nurses and staff at my doc's office, but it's great to not have to plan every day around a doctor's appointment and even better not feeling like a pin cushion.

So far, the side effects of my final cycle are similar to the previous one - mainly swollen and backed up salivary glands, overall body aches, and due to the anemia I'm extremely tired all of the time and frequently out of breath. I'm taking a decongestant to aid in thinning out my saliva to clear up the glands, and just taking it easy to prevent anemia related accidents or issues. I can't carry Cooper for more than a minute before I need to set him down and catch my breath. When we need to go up or down the stairs, I let Cooper go up and down with me right behind or in front of him which he seems to enjoy and prefer anyway. Thankfully, I have not had any dizziness - just shortness of breath and occasionally a teensy tiny bit of light headedness. If I still feel this way by New Year's I'll reconsider the blood transfusion, but I'm hoping that won't be necessary.

This is the most tired and physically limited I've felt since the bilateral mastectomy surgery. Even though I'm definitely experiencing the "chemo brain" phenomenon, I do feel clearer and calmer than I have in a really long time - though I admit this is something that comes and goes - sometimes day to day. My sister warriors and I in support group often refer to this as the perpetual roller coaster. I've decided to get off the roller coaster for the holidays and focus on my family and friends, as much as possible, while also working on regaining my strength so that my body will be ready for the next big step in this process - implant swap-out surgery in January. Oddly enough, this type of "work" involves mostly sitting/laying around. Since I'm so frequently out of breath, I'm not able to do a whole lot other than slow stretching and strength exercises. I'm looking forward to resuming my walks but it could be a while before I'm able to and that's OK - just another goal for me to work toward.

Keeping up with Cooper (who turns 18 months old on Monday!) is getting harder and harder these days when Bob is away so I've been lining up help on the weekends now in addition to the normal week day help so that I won't get run down and overwhelmed and Cooper will still get the stimulating play time he needs as well.

I'm looking forward to this weekend very much. We'll be attending a neighborhood holiday party on Saturday. On Sunday I'll go to church and finish up on some holiday baking and preparations thanks to the much needed and appreciated help from Esperanza and Susan who will be helping me with Cooper this weekend. I'm not sure how much I'll accomplish and I don't plan to push myself - I'll just try to enjoy doing what I can and whenever I get too tired I'll rest and watch Cooper play because that always makes me feel better.

When I was a kid I really loved the holidays. I have lots and lots of cousins and we used to all gather at one house on Christmas eve to eat, play and open gifts. As the years went on our families started going in different directions for the holidays for a variety of reasons that are not uncommon to most families - loss of key family members, people getting married and sharing the holidays with in-laws, etc. When that happened it just wasn't as much fun anymore and gradually I became one of those adults that sort of dreaded the holidays. I enjoyed seeing my cousins' children having a good time, and I enjoyed sending holiday cards out but that was about all the joy I managed to find during the holiday season and usually just looked forward to the holidays being done with for the year. I didn't think I was sad at the time but looking back I am pretty sure I was depressed every holiday season.

A lot has changed since then. A lot. Cooper's arrival into our lives changed everything for me last year and now that I've had cancer we have even more reason to find joy in every holiday - in every day. That's why every day IS a holiday for me now, regardless of what is on the agenda, as I wake up grateful for another day and chance to live and appreciate all of life's blessings and challenges. Every holiday is a new milestone for me and my family now. Now, I cherish every day and every holiday like never before.

I wish all of you joy, love, and laughter this holiday season and all throughout the year. Make every moment count!

Wow and woot!

I'm at the cancer center. I'm hooked up and receiving my final dose of chemo (aka God given liquid gold cure juice)! I'm so grateful. So blessed. So happy. Tears keep streaming. God is great.

I'm very anemic. 8.3. But doc is letting me decline a blood transfusion since this is my final dose and I have a good amount of time before surgery and radiation in case my numbers remain low and we need to get transfused or have any other interventions. I am getting a shot to aid in raising my rbc count but its effect is limited usually. I have faith that it will all work out.

Did I mention that I'm immensely grateful and blessed?

Love,
Julie
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Chemo cycle 8, Part A, days 3-4: Toughest of all

I remember, not long ago, posting an update during either cycle 4 or 5 and saying that I'd experienced my most difficult part of chemo yet at that point. I remember feeling a bit defeated - disappointed that I'd been experiencing that rough patch after having such a sense of accomplishment from sailing through it so well up to that point. Each time I have gone in for a chemo infusion, my doctor has looked at me and my numbers, raised his eyebrows and smirked at me and said things like "you are doing extremely well", or "you are handling all of this extraordinarily well" and I feel a surge of pride and accomplishment when I hear that. And I remember the horrible sense of failure I felt both times that I went in for cycle 5, part B, and was told I would not be getting part B because first my WBC count was too low, and then my platelet count was too low. The doctor and nurses had to convince me that it is a common occurrence and that it was surprising it took 5 cycles for it to happen to me. I remember thinking "but I'm an exceptional patient so why isn't my body cooperating?" (for those who are thinking that is awfully conceited of me to think/say, I want you to know it's a reference to a specific patient type described by Bernie Siegel in Love, Medicine and Miracles). I guess it's true that I'm an over achiever haha.

Many times I hear from friends, family, colleagues, strangers even, that they don't know how I'm managing this while caring for a toddler and have a spouse that is away more than he's home due to his job, and working (albeit part time temporarily) - all while on a very aggressive chemo regimen. When I hear that I immediately think to myself "what choice do I have?". I suppose I really do have a choice - I could do what I've been doing which is look on the bright side, make every day/hour/minute count and do my very best to not let the situation negatively impact my life and that of my family's, or I could let the negative thoughts and feelings take over my mind and my body, allowing it an opportunity to manifest itself in many more side effects, keeping me feeling awful all the time, taking out my fear and frustration on those around me, etc. To me, that's not much of a choice - that last option just isn't an option for me since that is not who I am.

When this cycle (8A) nearly brought me to my knees with the nausea, exhaustion, shortness of breath, burning belly and related digestive issues, and all over body aches and pain, I did my best to ignore it but it wasn't wanting to be ignored, unfortunately. I kept my commitments and I kept the anti-nausea meds close by at all times. I took extra naps whenever the opportunity arose, and I forced myself to eat even when I felt like I could skip food for a week. I was so glad I'd done the majority of my holiday baking and gift gathering and packaging before receiving this cycle because I doubt I would have gotten it done otherwise.

The worst days were this past Thursday and Friday (days 3-4). Everything I did felt challenging, particularly because of the shortness of breath from the anemia - I was completely exhausted all the time. I didn't go out unless it was necessary or I had an appointment or support group scheduled. When home, I stayed off my feet, forced myself to eat and rest, and sought out distractions for times when I couldn't sleep to keep my mind off of how I was feeling. I had trouble drinking water and found myself giving in and drinking more ginger ale and fruit juice dilluted with water. I still felt crummy on Saturday but I was very happily distracted spending the day and evening with my "little sister" and her older sister who I took out for a day (had a sitter take Cooper for the day) and had the girls spend the night for a girls' night of homemade organic pizza, movies, and baking cookies :). Then Bob came home on Sunday and everything seemed/felt better by that point.

I feel fairly confident describing those days as being the worst of my entire chemo regimen since this is my final cycle and Part B has always been easier to take than Part A - now let's hope and pray that continues to be true as I finish out this cycle tomorrow with my FINAL CHEMO INFUSION! =). However, Dr.B did warn me that the anemia could complicate things tomorrow if my red blood cell count dips down to an 8 (I was at 9 last week - he said my "normal" was trending 12-13 based on my numbers at the start of chemo) at which point a blood transfusion would be likely. I've been eating some spinach the past couple of days in hopes that it would help out here but we won't know until tomorrow when I arrive and they draw blood.

I praise God for carrying me through this challenge and opportunity. Yes, I did say "opportunity", as crazy as that may sound.

Love,
Julie